im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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