You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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