i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
