I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
