I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
We were destined to go to rehab together
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
