Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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