I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
