How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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