Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
