Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
