textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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