What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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