:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
