Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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