My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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