OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
