Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
my shit smells like andre
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
