gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
