I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
