The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
