well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
