Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
