I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
