Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
