she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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