Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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