I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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