I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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