It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Sext me about skeletons
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
