Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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