so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
