Someone shit on the floor
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
