Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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