last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
it's not cheating when I paid for it
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
