Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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