i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
