I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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