I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
