Please, let me fuck your mom
there's paper in my vomit.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
is wine microwaveable?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Randomize
