she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
