you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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