worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
