Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
