I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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