Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
