This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
