I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
