I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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