How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
