i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
