she was so not down for the gang bang
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
